The Alternate Universe of Rick Moranis

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Netanyahu to hippies: “I’m not Matisyahu”

Boulder, CO-    En route to meet President Obama at the White House for what by all accounts looks to be a tense, heated discussion over each other’s choice of public rhetoric, Benjamin Netanyahu stopped at Fatty J’s Pizza near the University of Colorado campus to address a crowd of white reggae enthusiasts and clear up certain misconceptions between the Israeli prime minister and the gathered hippies. “For the last time,” said a jet-lagged, somewhat annoyed Bibi, “My name is Benjamin Netanyahu, I am the Prime Minister of Israel. I am not this Matisyahu person you all seem to love.” 

The crowd, unfazed by either his message or lack of musical accompinament, grew ecstatic.”Play ‘King Without a Crown!’” Some yelled. Others held lit cigarette lighters in the air.  This is Netanyahu’s fifth such visit to Boulder alone in as many years, which raises several questions. Why don’t people believe him? Knowing that they repeatedly ignore his plea, why does Bibi persist? And why hasn’t the real Matisyahu gotten involved?

“This is my third time seeing him live,” said longtime fan Dylan Wood. “My friends and I drove here from Denver when we heard he was performing.” When asked about Netanyahu’s hard right-wing politcal rhetoric and insistence that he is a politician and not the famed Jewish reggae star, Wood responded, “After a few albums, most musicians end up promoting a political message. I mean, look at Bono! And I don’t really listen to what his political message is, I’m just glad he’s passionate about something. That’s missing from too many people in this world.”

As for Netanyahu, there is a belief that his contempt for marijuana-smoking hippies fuels his need to vindicate himself. “Every time we leave one of these events, I hear him muttering to himself, ‘if you lived in Israel, I would draft your pothead asses and make you guard a prison in Gaza!’” said an official close to Bibi, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Ironically, Bibi’s hatred for a group of people in America makes him want to engage them more. If only the Palestinians would start listening to reggae…”

Matisyahu could not be reached for comment.

Rejected Titles for Porn Parodies

Maternal Bosom of the Spotless Mind

Arsenic and Old Lace Underwear

Children of a Flaccid Gob

The Silence of the Libido

Caligula Flossing

The Nude, the Bad and the Ugly

The Prurient Case of Benjamin Button

Uncircumcised Wonderboys

32 Short Films about Glenn Gould’s Penis

Yogurt-Proof Fence

I am no longer a human being…

I am now officially an improv group.

This is a clip of me being introduced to the stage at Froduce, a great improv show at The Creek and the Cave.

If you weren’t able to hear, the host read my name off as if it were the name of an improv group. Me, being a consummate douchebag, both told him that I was a stand-up, then asked him to reintroduce me because I was taping my set and didn’t want that to be at the beginning. These are grown-up problems.

My Rock Bottom Story

Check out this story I published on Brooke Van Poppelen’s blog, rockbottomny.blogspot.com

http://rockbottomny.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-rock-bottom-youve-probably-never.html

Welcome Letter from the Mayor of Terre Haute, IN

Dear New Terre Haute Resident,

Welcome to Terre Haute!

I must first applaud your choice of communities to settle down in, but I also must warn you: There’s something magnetic about this town. People who move here find over time that they just can’t bring themselves to leave. That especially holds true of the residents in our Terre Haute Federal Correctional Complex.

I can think of a few reasons for our city’s draw. Terre Haute is the heart and soul of Indiana.  Despite the encroaching metropolitan area of Chicago to the northwest and those of Louisville and Cincinnati to the southeast, I believe Indiana remains a state unto itself. A distinct, thriving state, we are not the New Jersey of the Midwest. Situated on the western border in the middle of the state, 75 miles away from the nearest major city, Terre Haute is the Indiana of Indiana.

Care to live among honest, hard-working American people? Terre Haute is a blue-collar town, as much for our large middle-class labor pool as for the industrial accidents a few years ago that caused an azure staining of the skin and clothing of most of our 59,000 residents. Something about our small-town feel and our high rates of autism give this city what I am fond of referring to as a refreshing lack of attitude.

As mayor, I frequently field questions about the name, Terre Haute. In fact, an average business day for me consists of fielding such questions for several hours. Despite the derivation of our fair town’s name, we officially have neither affiliation nor affinity for anything French. Indeed, I have repeatedly decried any attempt by travel guides to tout “Terre Haute Cuisine” and “Terre Haute Couture.” Our local Wal-Mart, which deals in both foodstuffs and clothes, is proudly American and continues to support our nation’s unilateral efforts abroad.

According to the French, Terre Haute means “High Land,” but don’t worry, despite the name we take a zero-tolerance approach to marijuana here. As the town’s first Republican mayor in 35 years, I have earnestly begun a tough new anti-drug campaign with the slogan I coined, “A joint in your hand is worth two years in the joint.” I have also begun work on a leasing agreement with the Federal Correctional Complex to use their lethal injection facilities to punish local marijuana farmers.

These are just some of the lengths I will go to in order to keep the peace. When I first became mayor, the threat of Guantanamo Bay detainees being transported to the Terre Haute Federal Prison was real, and I expressed my opposition on behalf of the town’s residents. As most locals would articulate it, “Terre Haute don’t support terre.” Moreover, residents feared how potentially dangerous to the community a bunch of agonizingly tortured, emotionally distressed, demoralized-to-the-point-of-capitulation terrorists could be. It was already bad enough that John Walker Lindh, the notorious “American Taliban” fighter, was incarcerated in Terre Haute when I came into office. What if he were to break out and terrorize the town? Or offer a child some opium? Worse yet, some marijuana?

Thankfully, federal government officials realized that they and their freedom-hating prisoners were not welcome here. But you are. So again, welcome! I hope you find everything I’ve said to be true. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you are still here thirty years down the road, when Terre Haute finally enters the 1990′s.

Sincerely,

Duke Bennett

Mayor of Terre Haute

Coming soon to Netflix…New Tailored Genre Suggestions!

You might like:

Raw, affecting movies about ghetto life with rebelliously misspelled titles.

Blockbuster action movies with heavy-handed liberal messages and unconventional villains.

Meta-films starring washed-up 80s actors as themselves in otherwise fictional settings.

Movies that compromise their internal logic with third act deus ex machina and/or gratuitous use of Batman (the tv show) theme music.

Movies which treat the mass implementation of retinal scanning as imminently Orwellian.

Movies that show a mirror shot of men putting on women’s makeup during the opening credits.