Netanyahu to hippies: “I’m not Matisyahu”

Boulder, CO-    En route to meet President Obama at the White House for what by all accounts looks to be a tense, heated discussion over each other’s choice of public rhetoric, Benjamin Netanyahu stopped at Fatty J’s Pizza near the University of Colorado campus to address a crowd of white reggae enthusiasts and clear up certain misconceptions between the Israeli prime minister and the gathered hippies. “For the last time,” said a jet-lagged, somewhat annoyed Bibi, “My name is Benjamin Netanyahu, I am the Prime Minister of Israel. I am not this Matisyahu person you all seem to love.” 

The crowd, unfazed by either his message or lack of musical accompinament, grew ecstatic.”Play ‘King Without a Crown!’” Some yelled. Others held lit cigarette lighters in the air.  This is Netanyahu’s fifth such visit to Boulder alone in as many years, which raises several questions. Why don’t people believe him? Knowing that they repeatedly ignore his plea, why does Bibi persist? And why hasn’t the real Matisyahu gotten involved?

“This is my third time seeing him live,” said longtime fan Dylan Wood. “My friends and I drove here from Denver when we heard he was performing.” When asked about Netanyahu’s hard right-wing politcal rhetoric and insistence that he is a politician and not the famed Jewish reggae star, Wood responded, “After a few albums, most musicians end up promoting a political message. I mean, look at Bono! And I don’t really listen to what his political message is, I’m just glad he’s passionate about something. That’s missing from too many people in this world.”

As for Netanyahu, there is a belief that his contempt for marijuana-smoking hippies fuels his need to vindicate himself. “Every time we leave one of these events, I hear him muttering to himself, ‘if you lived in Israel, I would draft your pothead asses and make you guard a prison in Gaza!’” said an official close to Bibi, speaking on condition of anonymity. “Ironically, Bibi’s hatred for a group of people in America makes him want to engage them more. If only the Palestinians would start listening to reggae…”

Matisyahu could not be reached for comment.