Arsenic and Old Lace Underwear

Children of a Flaccid Gob

The Silence of the Libido

Caligula Flossing

The Nude, the Bad and the Ugly

The Prurient Case of Benjamin Button

Uncircumcised Wonderboys

32 Short Films about Glenn Gould’s Penis

Yogurt-Proof Fence

This is a clip of me being introduced to the stage at Froduce, a great improv show at The Creek and the Cave.

If you weren’t able to hear, the host read my name off as if it were the name of an improv group. Me, being a consummate douchebag, both told him that I was a stand-up, then asked him to reintroduce me because I was taping my set and didn’t want that to be at the beginning. These are grown-up problems.

http://rockbottomny.blogspot.com/2010/02/my-rock-bottom-youve-probably-never.html

Welcome to Terre Haute!

I must first applaud your choice of communities to settle down in, but I also must warn you: There’s something magnetic about this town. People who move here find over time that they just can’t bring themselves to leave. That especially holds true of the residents in our Terre Haute Federal Correctional Complex.

I can think of a few reasons for our city’s draw. Terre Haute is the heart and soul of Indiana.  Despite the encroaching metropolitan area of Chicago to the northwest and those of Louisville and Cincinnati to the southeast, I believe Indiana remains a state unto itself. A distinct, thriving state, we are not the New Jersey of the Midwest. Situated on the western border in the middle of the state, 75 miles away from the nearest major city, Terre Haute is the Indiana of Indiana.

Care to live among honest, hard-working American people? Terre Haute is a blue-collar town, as much for our large middle-class labor pool as for the industrial accidents a few years ago that caused an azure staining of the skin and clothing of most of our 59,000 residents. Something about our small-town feel and our high rates of autism give this city what I am fond of referring to as a refreshing lack of attitude.

As mayor, I frequently field questions about the name, Terre Haute. In fact, an average business day for me consists of fielding such questions for several hours. Despite the derivation of our fair town’s name, we officially have neither affiliation nor affinity for anything French. Indeed, I have repeatedly decried any attempt by travel guides to tout “Terre Haute Cuisine” and “Terre Haute Couture.” Our local Wal-Mart, which deals in both foodstuffs and clothes, is proudly American and continues to support our nation’s unilateral efforts abroad.

According to the French, Terre Haute means “High Land,” but don’t worry, despite the name we take a zero-tolerance approach to marijuana here. As the town’s first Republican mayor in 35 years, I have earnestly begun a tough new anti-drug campaign with the slogan I coined, “A joint in your hand is worth two years in the joint.” I have also begun work on a leasing agreement with the Federal Correctional Complex to use their lethal injection facilities to punish local marijuana farmers.

These are just some of the lengths I will go to in order to keep the peace. When I first became mayor, the threat of Guantanamo Bay detainees being transported to the Terre Haute Federal Prison was real, and I expressed my opposition on behalf of the town’s residents. As most locals would articulate it, “Terre Haute don’t support terre.” Moreover, residents feared how potentially dangerous to the community a bunch of agonizingly tortured, emotionally distressed, demoralized-to-the-point-of-capitulation terrorists could be. It was already bad enough that John Walker Lindh, the notorious “American Taliban” fighter, was incarcerated in Terre Haute when I came into office. What if he were to break out and terrorize the town? Or offer a child some opium? Worse yet, some marijuana?

Thankfully, federal government officials realized that they and their freedom-hating prisoners were not welcome here. But you are. So again, welcome! I hope you find everything I’ve said to be true. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when you are still here thirty years down the road, when Terre Haute finally enters the 1990′s.

Sincerely,

Duke Bennett

Mayor of Terre Haute

Raw, affecting movies about ghetto life with rebelliously misspelled titles.

Blockbuster action movies with heavy-handed liberal messages and unconventional villains.

Meta-films starring washed-up 80s actors as themselves in otherwise fictional settings.

Movies that compromise their internal logic with third act deus ex machina and/or gratuitous use of Batman (the tv show) theme music.

Movies which treat the mass implementation of retinal scanning as imminently Orwellian.

Movies that show a mirror shot of men putting on women’s makeup during the opening credits.